It astounds me how many people feel fighting is okay in a relationship! Fighting is never okay. Fighting only achieves misery. It never achieves what you want to achieve!
• When you fight, you are completely disrespecting the person you say you love.
Have you ever felt respected when you are fighting with someone? I most definitely haven’t. I have felt disrespected. I have felt hurt. I have felt out of control. I have felt sad. I have felt angry.
I have never, ever, felt respected when I am fighting. In fact, I choose not to fight because it is such an ineffective way to operate.
• When you fight, your precious children are either hearing the fighting or they are picking up on the vibes.
If you have children, and they are living in your home – or even if they are living away from home – I guarantee they do not even need to hear the fighting to be negatively affected by it. Children soak up the energy around them and most likely will blame themselves in some way for the fighting.
• When you are fighting, you are saying things that you can never unsay.
If I could take your blood pressure when you are fighting, I am pretty certain that it would be elevated above normal. The veins on your neck may even be raised.
When you in this aroused state, you will almost say things you regret. Once those things have been said they can’t be unsaid. Even if you apologise profusely, those words can’t be unsaid.
• When you are fighting, you are doing it from a place of anger, hurt, pain, or distress. Nothing good can come out of this.
If you are fighting from a place of anger and hurt – and this is the way it usually is – you can only cause damage.
Nothing good can come from this form of communication. Cool down first. Take care of those negative emotions. If you do not know how to do this, ASK ME! Then come back and clear the air from a calm place.
• If you are speaking angrily, no-one is hearing what you are saying. They are only hearing your anger.
Have you noticed after a fight, that most, if not all, of what you have said has not been heard and understood by your partner?
When we are in a state of hyperarousal, we are not focused on the meaning of the words that are being said. We are only aware of the awful feeling that we are feeling in our bodies.
Stop the fighting
1. If you think about it logically what is the purpose of the fight?
2. Get yourself into a calm state to deal with the issue, so that you will be heard and understood. I have tools like Emotional Freedom Techniques, you might know it as tapping, that help me get to this calm state.
It is only from this calm state that you can deal with the issue without the fighting. From this calm state, you can get the best possible result for both yourself, your partner and for your relationship.
3. Be respectful of your partner. This is the person you love. You don’t want to disrespect them.
4. Be respectful of yourself. You are also the person you should be loving. Fighting does not serve to respect you.
Remember that every arrow you throw at your partner goes straight through the heart of your child. Every time!
If you would like to learn more about how to find that calm place, so that you can stop the fighting, I would love to help you get there. If you would like to know more about how you can STOP THE FIGHTING contact Suzanne Scarrow at Personal Peace.